Four After-Death Care Myths Everyone Should Know
The most traumatic moments of my life have all taken place in hospitals.
Now, I will note that during those periods I have also witnessed some of the most incredible care and support. Specifically from the nurses who diligently serve their patients (and their patients' families), while wearing many different hats within a system that is often under-supported.
Most of us have experienced the panic and trauma of losing a loved one to death by illness in the hospital. Although medical technologies have greatly benefited many in emergency situations, the medical care system in North America is still hugely lacking in effective care for the sick and healing; let alone in the compassionate care of those who are dying. Unfortunately, health care has been corporatized with extreme profits to be made. I believe this health care deficiency is due to lack of funding, due to revenue becoming the main goal. Health care is not the only thing that has become monetized, death has also become a booming industry.
After World War II, death became industrialized and commercialized like many other aspects of life that were once considered sacred. Over the last 75 years, capitalism has swept over our nation and as a result, health care, which focuses on health instead of profits, has become destabilized. Exacerbated by the shortfalls of our healthcare system, healthcare funds are diminishing, creating an abundance of opportunities for certain groups to benefit financially from the heavily squeezed budget. This results in shortcomings, such as understaffing, lack of equipment, insufficient beds in relation to population numbers, a reduction in compassionate care, and even neglect leading to unnecessary deaths. As the Canadian health system continues to experience both modern innovations and large profits while care diminishes, death care within hospitals follows a similar path.
I’m going to walk you through some unforeseen truths about the death industry and funeral planning in North America. Not only will I reveal the four most common funeral planning myths, but I will also show you new ways to experience the end-of-life process and loss of a loved one. As society realizes the limitations within these systems, people from all different walks of life are coming together to create new and better ways to care for our families and communities.
Myth #1: We should hand over the entire process of death and funeral planning to the professionals.
The industrialization of death was the turning point in the handing over of our dead to the professionals; over time, this led to the removal of the communal, spiritual, and I believe, very healing aspect of the death experience for both the dying and those left behind.
It is normal for most people to feel completely overwhelmed after the death of someone close. Naturally, we rely on professionals both in medical care and the funeral industry to orchestrate and essentially take over the entire process after a death. While this is reasonable, it still leads to so many missed opportunities. Opportunities to connect with your tribe, acknowledge the reality of your own mortality, and thus the preciousness of life, and properly say goodbye and mourn your deceased. This process has been completely accepted by our society. Furthermore, with the cost of a funeral in Canada ranging from $3,000 to $20,000 ($8,500 on average), the industry has become big business, often at the disadvantage of the dying and grieving.
Did you know, that there are an increasing number of natural and holistic methods to experience the dying process and what comes afterward? How we hold ceremonies and ongoing rituals, how we plan and celebrate wakes and vigils, and how we treat the terminally ill are all being expanded. A few interesting approaches that are becoming widely known include:
Living funerals - where the dying are present and those who attend can express their love and appreciation before the person passes.
At home wakes and funerals - catered specifically to the essence of your loved one’s ways of life. Takes us back to a time when our ancestors gathered within the home to experience and therefore learn firsthand about the pains and wonders of death.
Truly “green” methods of burial and cremation - known as Alkaline Hydrolysis, natural body composting, and natural burial. *Despite popular belief, fire cremation does not allow new life and growth when added to the earth’s soil. As well, according to National Geographic, cremations in the U.S.A. emit 360,000 tons of carbon dioxide annually. Other emissions caused by fire cremation include carbon monoxide, mercury, sulfur dioxide, nitrogen oxides, particulate matter, hydrogen fluoride, hydrogen chloride, NMVOCs as well as other heavy metals and organic pollutants.
Natural burials - now becoming more common in Canada and the U.S. where there is no embalming, no cemented vaults, and zero non-decomposable materials going into the ground.** In my Death Education Gatherings, I take a deep dive into all the up-and-coming practices within the death care world.
There are so many options to learn about and act on that can empower the process of death. My biggest piece of advice to offset the likelihood of making choices that aren’t aligned, or having those choices made for you and your family, is to participate in Advance Care Planning. Get involved, do your own research, and plan well in advance so that your family and/or caregivers have something to reference after your passing. For more information on the practices outlined above, or to start your own Advance Care Planning, visit my resources page here.
Myth #2: You can’t have an at-home funeral with the body in North America.
Many people have been misled by this myth. People have been led to believe that it is not legal to take home and care for your loved ones after a death. The only legal aspect is that the death must be registered with the local municipality. This can be completed by a physician before you remove the body from the location of death. This can almost always take place with a simple phone call and be done within a few hours time. As much as an at-home funeral may sound radical, so did at-home births only 10 to 15 years ago. At-home wakes and at-home funerals were a very normal and sacred part of living as little as 80 years ago and for hundreds of years prior to that. Once again, they are becoming a common practice. According to NFDA’s 2021 Consumer Awareness and Preferences Report, 51.5% of respondents have attended a funeral at a non-traditional location. It was not until embalming became a large industry that people started sending the bodies of their loved ones directly to the funeral home morgues.
Most assume bringing your loved one’s body home would be unsafe or physically impossible. However, you have up to 24 hours with that body, 72 hours if the body can be kept cold, before any decay sets in. The funeral home shall maintain an integral part of the process before and after an at-home wake and funeral. *It’s important to note, that the holistic death care movement does not seek to replace current medical care and funeral care providers, but to work alongside them. To return the profound process of our last moments on this earth, the way in which people live through painful losses, and mourning loved ones to their families where profits are not the main goal and should never be. Although still uncommon, several funeral homes are starting to embrace the culture change by integrating at-home and green options into their services. The demand for at-home funerals will only increase as more people continue to feel let down by systems failing.
It is integral to remember that in Ontario, you legally have the right to return your family member's body to your home, to tend to, care for and properly say goodbye. Although it sounds intimidating, with the help of a properly trained Death Doula, or even with some free online resources, you can make an at-home wake or funeral manageable, affordable, safe, and ultimately a beautiful experience. Profound memories and experiences are built in your home. To be in a home that you know well can provide a more comfortable environment for you to have the slow, quiet alone time with the deceased needed to say goodbye - with the hope that it provides a very different imprint, within you, of that loss.
Myth #3: Embalming must be done.
Embalming was originally used in the U.S.’s civil war to preserve and send deceased bodies back to their home country for burial. Today it is an uncommon practice in places around the world (i.e., the UK), unlike in North America. Embalming then became a very popular practice during WWII. Then, after WWII, embalming made its way into mainstream funeral homes as a convenient way to advertise preserving a loved one and a quick way to charge for superfluous services.
Furthermore, formaldehyde is a very toxic substance used in the embalming process. Studies have shown that funeral home directors live approximately 15 years less than the average person. This is believed to be due to the embalming chemicals used. It is also dangerous to the environment as it permeates into the soil and leaches into the water table. Nearly 4 million gallons of toxic embalming fluid are buried in our soil annually. Also, embalming does not stop but slows down the decomposition process of the body. In some cases, it can only slow the process by delaying decomposition for approximately 48 hours or less. Albeit there are specific situations this may be necessary, however, the best and most natural way to slow down that decay process is through exposure to cold temperatures. *This may be graphic for some, but knowledge is power! Also, as mentioned above, it has been shown to only slow down decay for a short period of time. Remember that decomposition is an important part of death. Humanity has been slowly losing its connection to nature and mother earth. As a result, we have also forgotten the sacred process of breakdown, death, decay, and then rebirth and renewal. Embalming, and practices like it, further act to separate our bodies from this sacred cycle.
Finally, embalming is not required by law. There are funeral homes that do not embalm, and as mentioned in the first myth, natural burial sites require that no embalming take place prior to burial. It is important to be aware of the process, ask questions and research the different options we have available to us so we can make informed decisions. You deserve choice and control over your body even in death. Make sure to put these details in writing in your will and last requests for your loved ones.
Myth #4: It is necessary to have a coffin encapsulated in a cement box.
Another common practice of the industrialized funeral business is to have the coffin encapsulated in a cement box. This practice became popular in times where families were required to protect the deceased bodies of their loved ones from things like grave robbers. This provided a popular solution for the death industry, which then capitalized on it (e.g. cement boxes are still commonly sold today for upwards of $1,500). However, this is not a modern concern - no one is robbing your grave these days. Some cemetery’s may still require a vault, insisting it protects from potential damage due to grounds keeping.
I have asked five people I know if, after the death of their spouse and, during the funeral arrangements, they remember being given the option to purchase the cement vault. Regrettably, not one of those five people had a transparent experience in which they were given the option, let alone given a single reason why it might be necessary. It is treated as if it is a mandatory practice.
Vaulting is not always required unless you, for whatever reason, feel the need for it. Another consideration to take before making that decision is the environmental impact it has. Annually - 1.5 million tons of concrete are used for burial vaults in the U.S. alone.
While the thought of being worm food has never really appealed to me, I can see the value of the creepy crawlies doing their job. They are doing vital work of eating and replenishing the nutrient-rich soil; the incredible mycelium (i.e., vegetative fungi) breaking down the body to its basic mineral form so it may benefit the continuation of life on earth. I now know how very important this process of decay and renewal is, and I personally wish to be a part of this delicate process created by mother nature.
I hope to inspire you to research, learn about your options, plan for your death, and put those plans in writing.
People are gaining knowledge about the safe and legal ways in Canada to care for and remain by their loved ones' side even after their spirit has left this physical realm. The fact that 51% of people surveyed have already attended an alternative funeral speaks volumes.
People need to know your wishes. Document it, sign it, seal it. We all deserve to decide how, when, and where we die. Certainly, in some cases, it is a privilege to plan and be part of creating your own legacy and send off - as sudden and tragic accidents happen all the time. But if you’re reading this, you can be more prepared and help to take the burden off your loved ones by pre-planning now.
Take the time to really consider…what would you hope for your death and funeral to look like? In the case that your family does have to make very difficult decisions regarding your dying wishes and your after-death plans, what are your wishes? If it is important for you to die at home, to never be left without the ability to speak for yourself, or if it is simply important for you to have your physical body return to the earth then learn about your options. Once decided, state them in your will, have conversations with your family and/or closest friends and get living your best life, because our time here is finite. I encourage you to share this with your friends and family, as it’s so important we have these conversations and spread the word so that people can be prepared and empowered in their life decisions – which end up being our death decisions.
